Wow! these last few weeks have ben a whirlwind of emotional ups and downs. I have been looking to break free from material that insisted on attacking me from within. I feel like some one drove a Trojan Horse right into my heart and as soon as the gates closed behind it, it let out a cargo of toxins that spread throughout my entire system.
It may well have started with the endocrine system because the extent of the havoc was experienced as a series of hormonal shifts that left me feeling like i was not in charge of my own organism. Listen well here: I am not confusing this with the beloved act of surrendering. I know what is mine to handle and what I have chosen to turn over to a power greater than me. This endocrinological shift was a physical manifestation of a fowl mood turned sour over a length of time. I guess it felt something like the carton of milk that was open fresh and sweet smelling, but after a few weeks of it being abandoned on the countertop, lost its perfume and became the equivalent of bile.
A DYING GOD!!!
Don’t bile and gall have something in common?. The statue depicted above is one commissioned in some long ago era before we even began counting the centuries forward. It depicts a dying God. A dying God!!!!! Can there be such a thing? Really, what is God, if it can die?
Well, as usual, I begin my blog entries with a ramble and a sort of meandering through my brains and eventually I settle on what it is that I would like to write about. In these less that 300 words above I have combed a distance of many emotional miles and though I have painted a vague picture of turmoil and chaos, I am not so confused as even my brain would have me think. These events of the last few weeks and this meandering this morning have a common mission. That mission is aimed at reaching Jupiter. To that end my engineered ego was fixed on a course much like the one mentioned in the last entry on kryptonite. I would like to program my egoic brain to learn new things as I proceed through this journey to the destination someplace out in the universe that is well past my current reach.
Last night while at a spiritual book club meeting, I heard someone describe the difference between a knowing and a desire and I felt instantly awakened to something that I have known at some level of knowledge but had not yet been absorbed at a deeper level of knowledge. I have spoken many times to patients and friends about the difference between a desire, a passion, and something that it is often confused with, something that i have called an empty wish. The empty wish sounds something like this: “I want to feel better, I am sick of feeling this way.”
The desire is similar in that it projects my brain waves to something in the future, but is lacks the longing and instead is pretty set on the picture of what it will be like to have that thing that I currently think is missing. So, it sounds more like, “I want to feel better.” In this equation the desire stands more alone and the feelings of lacking are not present in the mental projection.
However there appears to be one more level to this law of attraction that I have not entirely been certain about. That is the component of the law of attraction that speaks of knowing. Knowing, is the mental activity that has the item being coveted firmly in the grips of the mental projection not as a desire or a wish but as something that already exist in the universe & the calling for that “item” or “feeling” or “mood,” is experienced as already being acquired, but not yet possessed. In a very materialistic way the metaphor might be that I already have purchased my new computer, but it has simply not yet been delivered. I have no fears about it arriving and I only anticipate with joy and vision that it is on its way to me and i am ready to accept delivery at any moment. The Fed-X truck should be coming up the drive way anytime now.
To return to the beginning of this ramble and to attempt to make some sense out of the last few weeks when I felt pummeled by gods and life & people, let me say that the empty wish and the passionate desire had not changed for me what I needed to have changed in order for me to continue my journey to Jupiter. What I needed was to know that everything was going to be right. I needed to be certain that my feeling of Well-Being would be returned to my possession as soon as I became aware that It was already in me; and, if i more throughly combed my internal space and let the stillness that I so value command my next step, & my next right-action then I would realize that it is the looking with-in that calms me and gives back to me the notion that gods do not die.
Most of Freud’s writing emanate from a deep structure of the mind and perhaps when science catches up with what Freud was saying about the human experience he will cease being a fear to people and become the comfort he meant himself to be. I think we all share something with Freud. He was reliant on self-analysis and to that end he used his own dreams and his own memories to render a picture to us of the landscape that he found when he went within to locate the very seeds of consciousness. Every psychoanalysis is a new undertaking, a new excavation in the archaeological dig for the history and the origin of consciousness. Along these lines, humanity today still suffers from a fear of discovering itself by looking within. It seems that as egoic creatures we habituate to the the notion that studying our projections will be more useful. But that has one serious error. While we are projecting, we are externalizing the very thing that needs to be studied in its own location. To study consciousness as an object-relation destroys the very fiber of what consciousness is. Consciousness is at its very least an internal awareness of our capacities to watch something, to capture an event and to understand that event as a happening in the universe at the very moment that it is being captured.
The Law of Attraction were it to be studied from a psychoanalytic perspective would provide the very same results as the study of any mental phenomena. Freud used introspection to arrive at new knowledge. He himself did not put much faith in psychoanalysis lasting as a theory in America because he realized very early in his career that Americans adopted psychoanalysis with very little understanding of its deeper significance. The deep structure of the brain/mind matrix must be studied as an internal experience if it is to render the gold to be found deep in the veins and canyons of our thinking and feelings.
Understanding the difference between a knowing and an empty wish can only be discovered one person at a time. The person undertaking the study must be willing to forego all previous conceptions of what they thought was and turn their attentions to what they themselves are seeing at the very moment that they are searching….it will shift and it will change, but eventually with enough perseverance the searcher for truth will be confronted with something very unique–his or her own deep consciousness of self as an evolving organism that lives and breathes the same air and drinks the same water as the magnificent oaks and maples that begin to come into bloom each year in mid-spring.
This knowing that everything is and always will be exactly as it is now, a collection of cells and a profusion of energy, gives us back our undying gods. It allows us to view our moods and our anxieties as simple squirts of energy, hormones competing for life and vitality. As such, we can call back on our well-being and become more conscious of our deliberate thoughts and feelings as the very pallet that colors life.
Good Morning World, it is good, it is very good to be back home looking out over a deepening blue lake, watching the forsythias brighten the april sky and knowing that the tulips and the bleeding-hearts and the dogwoods are not far behind. I have more than a passionate desire to see spring arrive, I have a deep knowing that it will………