I want to learn to love the me that shot this shot not only love the shot that was shot by me…..
“Watch out for any sign of unhappiness in yourself in whatever form—you may be the awakening the pain-body. This can take the form of irritation, impatience, a somber mood, a desire to hurt, anger, rage, depression, a need to have some drama in your relationship and so on. Catch the pain-body the moment it awakens from its dormant stage.” –Tolle
From the perspective of mindful analysis this state or mood is commonly referred to as the death drive.. Freud, as early as 1920, postulated the concept in Beyond the Pleasure Principle, as a fundamental opposition between life drives, conceived of as a tendency towards cohesion and unity, and the death drives, which operate in the opposite direction, undoing connections and destroying things. Life has a tendency to hold itself up, while death has a tendency to decompose.
Lacan, and the french school of psychoanalysis refined the theory not so much as a separate energy, but rather more as a desire or nostalgic wish to return to harmony. The point is, the death drive under many names has defined the darker side of the human condition. When the ego takes control of a mind, one can feel it spinning, out of control. We might become less aware of ourselves, as we spin scenarios that will look and feel like gratification. The warm gulf stream of the death drive is inviting in the same way that crave to addiction is inviting, indeed, compulsively inviting.
This material of life and death proportion is really not that complicated. If we begin with the very elemental fact that each feeling either feels “positive” or “negative,” we are able to access one of the miracles of human existence. The instinct of the human body is to survive at all cost. In the most primitive aspect of the triune brain, survival is based on aggression. The survival of mankind also depends of eros, or the tendency to create and to bring into existence. When we are experiencing the fusion of these drive we are moving forward toward a goal. The feeling of well-being is fundamental to forward movement. The much discussed Law of Attraction, is based on the guidance system that tells us to move toward positive energy and to move away from negative energy.
From my awareness, my consciousness, when my ego takes control of my mind, I can feel myself spinning out of control. I stop noticing myself. I become so identified with the sensations in my body that I actually experience myself as the thought or the emotion, rather that noticing that these thought or emotions are arising in me, or happening to me. I begin to weave scenarios that I will “cease to be before my pen has teamed my gleaming brain”, to use a phrase from John Keats.
Everything becomes crucial. Urgency takes over & reasoning becomes complicated and confused with impulse.
I become afraid that if I do not calm myself, I might die of stress. Life becomes tinged with a paralyzing urgency. I stop thinking and instead thinking seems to be happening to me. I build scenarios that only will come into existence by virtue of my having built them in my psyche…my mind becomes filled with actions that I am not really interested in taking. Very little in this enveloping mood-state feels like positive energy. Very little in this mood-state feels like joy or enthusiasm. In short I am feeling negative.