When I was very young and a devout Catholic I loved being in church when ever there was Gregorian Chant being sung. Looking back it was a sound that “meditated me”. I mean I did not have to sit, struggling in silence to calm the perpetual voice inside my head. The chant just did it to me.
I fell in love with the high Requiem Mass because I thought it was a masterpiece of Divinity. I felt this because calming my mind allowed me to feel close to God. At that time in my life God was a strong, courageous Being, filed with love, compassion and justice. All I had to do was follow the rules and my salvation was guaranteed. At age six and seven & ten, it was easy for me to follow the rules and to feel that one day I would be in paradise where a choir of angels would be chanting and worshiping in an atmosphere of love and beauty someplace high above the earth, in the clouds where the triangular eye of God showed down and splashed the whole world with his love.
As a man, it is not so easy to love the way I did as a boy. I think a part of me lost innocence, and when I was expelled from my garden of Eden, I lost all conscious connection with the source of my power. Each day became a white=knuckling event as I hung on to what ever crumb I could find to place my faith and hope in. But nothing replace the grandeur of my boy-hood faith and security. My love of god was in a permanent, secure, always just and merciful God…the god of my Zen experience is impermanent. Impermanent, just like my positive vibrational energy is impermanent. I find it and I lose it just as quickly….
Although I have used different formulas, different theories from the arts and science, I think that my life has been a search for the love and longing that characterized my formative years. Psychoanalysis, Zen, Music, Art–all have their place in my life. All were installed during a life of searching and seeking the Love Of God that infused my heart as a sensitive french-canadian boy whose ancestors lived north, beyond the great forest of the Laurentian Mountains, with wolves and black bears and snow that covered the earth from october to may….