10:30 a.m., Sunlessday, 9/27/09
I seem to “lack” confidence in my “practice” of meditating. “I am not good at it.”
I do “not” do it enough, I do not go “deep” enough. It takes years to get better. Or, my favorite lately, “I’ll probably only be a “C” student at this too.”
Fact is, i can awaken as a miserable, impossible to get along with myself, self-involved, non-believer. And by the way, from there it only gets worst, not better.
….Eckahart Thich Nhat-Hicks, along with Freud and Jung, Thomas, Aristotle, Abraham, and all the saints; are the new Masters of the Universe. And, like in Bonfire of the Vanities, I feel I am a burnt-out, out of luck, Zen-less, neophyte once again at a new altar promising piety and peace in a world more filled with greed and envy and violence than any the Sisters of the Presentation of Mary could have envisioned (walls white & red-hot of steel closing in on you from top and bottom and all sides, was one of my favorite). By the way the caveat was added that in Hell the body was never destroyed therefore the anticipation of the end of pain would never happen.
I think that i actually preferred the sexual interest the roman catholic priest had in my genitals, it was in the very least, less violent.
Today, I awaken with no desire, a non attached ego, a slightly quivering heart and a sense of dread that “2012” might indeed be the only way to approach collective consciousness. I have awakened this morning to the fullness of my cynicism, I am back to being a student of nihilism. Of course, i know that I am not the only nut-job to meditate & find the eternal void to be smack in front of me while every one else sits with a moaning – Lisa, half-smile pasted as a semi-look of bliss on their faces. But, that I may not be alone, is not exactly comforting.
Does anyone else out there ever get so discouraged, that despite all the beautiful possibilities, all the promise of unlimited manifestation, stillthe ego can come in, take over and be in charge for what feels like an eternity.
It is like the walls of the mine/mind have caved in on themselves. Let’s see if I am able to carve a way back to sanity…I think the canary may still be alive.
Dr. Albert Dussault